It's Just Frostings

Swallowing Darkness

2009-12-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

Pictures

2009-04-27T06:56:00.000-07:00

Today I found pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. I wonder how such a lovable kid can turn so cold.

Earth Hour

2009-03-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

Earth Day! Let's do our part! Switch off all your lights for 1 hour

From 8.30pm local time

On 28th March 2009

That's a Saturday, my sweet!

Hurt

2008-11-06T03:13:00.000-08:00

I'm really freaking out. Really, really. Got proposed. Accepted...sorta...re-thinking it. Got a ring. Very very small diamond but hey, it's still diamond. But small. Now really re-thinking it.

Life's a little hay-wire. He's supposed to be doing something but didn't. He's being nasty. Now I feel like crying.

I found pictures and e-mails and text messages. It still hurts. Really, really hurts.

Meeting tonight. Bringing the whole team too. Client meet. He's going to be there.

But it still hurts.

Fitna

2008-04-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

I usually refrain myself from writing about my opinions on other people's religion and other sensitive issues. My country's politics is mine to feel responsible for or even to make comment about. My religion is mine to take follow and as much as there are many more things that I have yet to learn, I have learned to brush aside calls to ban or anything that borderlines on spreading hatred. Fitna, is a different story.

Over the years that I have been having e-mails, I know for a fact that I do have overzealous friends who would think nothing of posting forwarded messages that talks about why a certain religion is better or we should boycott a certain product just because the company supports a war cause. Things that might create friction in other people's religion or political views. I do what I usually do to these e-mails. Press delete and think nothing of it. But this movie did strike a cord.

Human beings have been in this world a long, long time and I think we have not moved forward from fighting the oldest war ever: Religion. Funnily enough, I have never come across ANY religion that promotes war. None! Christianity promotes love and compassion, Buddhism promotes understanding of human beings and the environment, Hinduism talks about respecting all living beings and Islam? Islam specifically mentions that one must respect another man without prejudice of race, colour or religion. So much so that destroying another religion's artifact or symbol is a crime.

So, it looks like its just a classic man ego that has to shove their opinions on other people and will stop at nothing until these people are fed whatever it is that they want to feed that started this unnecessary dispute. Including killing. Including smearing another person's religion.

One man called Geert Wilders has recently caused an uproar in the international community with his independent release called 'Fitna,' a movie that basically talks about Islam as a religion that supports terrorism. How terribly misguided. To understand the true meanings of the Koran takes years and even then it is full of meaning that mere translation may missed the actual meaning of the surah. How can a man that doesn't even speak the language, probably require a translator that is not an expert at Koran, say that Islam promotes terrorism? If Islam is guilty of terrorism, then what of the Israelis that are hurting even civilians in Gaza? Is this then, poetic justice? To hurt a child in the name of religion whereby the child is innocent to the world of violence and his only crime is because he was born a Muslim?

Why is it that when the Virginia Tech massacre, where a non-muslim man kills a lot of other persons, he is judged as bad and no mention of his religion whatsoever but if a Muslim man were to do the same, then it is Islam that is to blame? Should it not be the man that is judged, not the religion? What about when a country accuses an Islamic country of hiding weapons of mass destructions, only to find nothing and caused people to die unnecessarily? Should not the leader of that country that called for the war in the first place be taken to the international court of justice for committing a war-crime?
He caused that to happen in that country. Should he not be called a terrorist? Why isn't he called a terrorist? Because he wears a $2,000.00 suit and the people that died in this war defending their home wears a turban?

In response to the world leaders and political leaders that condemned Wilders actions. I say, freedom of speech is good. However, freedom is a privilege. With privilege comes responsibility. What Wilders did in the name of 'Freedom of Speech' is a breach of conduct. When breaching conduct, then he must feel the repercussions of his actions.

Thus, I commend the countries that condemned his actions. As a country that has many times the opportunity to stop this man's actions from humiliating, and insult approximately 1.3 billion people of the world, Netherlands should also feel the repercussion of this man's actions. The former Malaysia Prime Minister is right in one thing: if 1.3 billion people unite to stop such insult from happening, it will be a lesson well-learned for other people to insult other religion as well. So, countries that proposes a ban, should implement this ban properly. Stop importing and stop selling any Dutch merchandise only and until the man named Geert Wilders is properly punished for his actions.

This is a lesson to all at the same time, I feel. We are first and foremost, a human being and second, part of a religion. Once we stop seeing the differences, and start seeing the similarities, then and only then can the world be a better place for our children to live on. None of us would want to see the children we love grow up to be tortured and be victims of war. All of us want a better future for our children. For that to start, we must start seeing ourselves as what we really are:

Human beings created to spread the message of love.

Surviving Malaysia

2007-06-01T05:43:00.001-07:00

The government servants received a windfall recently and its a cause for much jubilation. I suppose it's fair. Funnily though, with the increment of the salary, it is now a problem as businesses everywhere is increasing price on their products. A simple Iced Milo was increased from RM1.30 to RM1.80. That's about 27% increment if I do my math correctly.

Which is, OUTRAGEOUS!

No kidding. But I think it's not as outrageous as when the toll was increased by 60% due to poor job done by contractors. Or was it because a certain political figure was trying to pocket more? Admittedly, the cost of living do get higher over time. At the same time, as much as Malaysians love Malaysia, I do think we might have to look elsewhere just to earn a living. Since the beginning of the new millennium, the:

Petrol prices has gone up 3 times.
The toll charges have gone up 4 times (including the ridiculous 60% increase on Kesas highway)
The poultry prices has steadily gone up per annum
The cooking oil prices has increased
Even spices are subject to scrutiny nowadays

And I somewhat doubt that any plea or complain is going to take anymore effect. Not with the opposition crying foul and the controlling party ignoring the people's voices anyways. If the people turned to the opposition parties, then what guarantees do we have that they wouldn't be as inconsiderate? Still, as the months go by, my respect for a certain political figure diminishes and this is a person who doesn't really care which way the vote goes. What about people who really love this political figure and been continuously been disappointed by him and all that he represent? While he goes around the world promoting good and everything good about his country, the people of his country are really struggling to live just because he wouldn't even bat an eyelid when prices go up.

It also doesn't help that although the government has increased it's wages on the government servants, we're all still receiving the same crappy service. Crappy service being:

No hint of politeness (we're talking in the morning here. I shudder at the thought of the person that comes in the afternoon)
Service with a smile is such a BIG GIGANTIC JOKE
Extreme slow pace. It's like they're in a race of who would be slower.
No care about what would happen to your application

And the reason we all have to suffer through it? It's because we live in it and we need the services provided. Should there be a private company that would offer the same service with better morale, I think all of us would turn to it.

Like, TV channels. Funnily though, I think RTM is constantly trying to delude itself of being better than the rest of the TV channels and I'm talking about the free ones. They are a joke because they refuse to innovate. It's the same drama repeated over and over again. The same movies, the same shows that should have been canceled eons ago. And they are pretty much, well, pre-historic, aren't they?

Still, all my friends did the right thing and moved out of this place. If it's not because I love this country so much, I would follow. As it is, if cost of living get any higher, who's to say I won't walk out?

It's nothing personal. Just survival.

Things That We Have to Live With In Malaysia

2007-05-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Things that Malaysians hate to live with (with a probable exception of a few people) but HAVE to live with:

1. Minimum wage for maximum work
2. Bad roads that keep on having to be patched up only to have pot holes again in a week
3. Roads that are constantly under construction
4. The unreliability of the public transport
5. Government ads and campaigns that don't work but requires more and more money by the year (i.e. Love our River campaign. Anyone?)
6. The government sector's rigidity on policy
7. Crabby government workers who comes to work at 9.00 a.m. goes for a break from 10.00a.m. - 11.30a.m. lunch at 1.00p.m. tea-break at 3.30p.m. and home at 4.00p.m. And they complain that they have to work hard? Give me a break
8. Government workers that never smile and always on your case. Remember the immigration office?
9. Road blocks at every end of the month just so you can give 'coffee money' Wow...its fun enough that you are struggling to make ends meet, you have to give some to pot-bellied, white uniformed people as well *sarcasm*
10. Promises by politicians to upgrade an area only to have it abandoned after the elections. What fun! *sarcasm*
11. Constant traffic jams due to roadworks
12. Ridiculous toll charges which you have to pay anyway because it's the only way you get anywhere. C'mon...60% increase in a year? You have got to be kidding me
13. The increasing oil prices. Government subsides? Yeah, right
14. People snooping about other people's personal lives and have the authority back-up on it
15. NOT ENOUGH FREEDOM OF SPEECH

I'm griping. I know. But what if...the ones that increases the toll charges are the ones driving the car and having to pay the so many tolls in a day. I calculated. At one point, I was paying RM12.00 daily just so I can do my work. That's how many tolls they have in Klang Valley and that's how expensive working has become. On top of that, with the oil price increase, I spend RM20.00 daily just so that I can work. If say, my income is around RM1,500 monthly, I pay around 50% just so I can work. That is not inclusive of rent, car payment and food. Of course, let's not forget taxes. Most of us aren't that lucky that we can take the public transport that is not a taxi to work because where we live, there is no such thing as a reliable public transport. In Malaysia, there is no such thing as a reliable public transport. And people wonder why today's professionals are trying to get OUT of the country?

When people feel like they're taken care of, people work better and happier. The last time a certain someone got into power, oil prices have increased twice and toll charges has increased more than 60%. It's almost like trying to get us to go away from the country just so that we can live. But of course, he is a nice guy and 'tries' to make sure that everyone lives comfortably. Well...no offense to the nice guy, but it's not exactly comfortable living when you're up to your noses just trying to survive. I understand that you're trying to eradicate political bribery but try looking somewhere closer to you. You know, just to be sure the people you trust are the people you should trust? Personally, I'm not a fan of politics. But if one wants a transparent working environment, listen also to what the people have to say. We are the ones that help all of y'all get into office in the first place.

But when we complain, we get slammed into the ISA. How very interesting. But I'm griping. I know. Life as I know it now might not change for years to come. But I am at least entitled for griping.

Andana Spa

2007-04-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

I suppose I could call this the perfect day. It is the coronation of the XIII King today and it was done in great splendor. It should be up in youtube sometime later and then we can have a look at what went down.

Anyways, went to a spa for a little rest and relaxation. It was divine. I haven't felt this relaxed in a while. If so interested, just visit this website http://www.andanaspa.com/
and see for yourself what they have to offer.

Toodles!

My new home

2006-08-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

Hey hey..

You can visit my blog at mayamarz from know on :) Do visit me there and leave comments when you feel like

The Chicken Dance

2006-07-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I don't know how to do the Chicken Dance! I mean, its probably one of the oldest embarrassing party dance that people would usually comply to in the spirit of too much spirit and giddiness...So, when I saw this 'How to do The Chicken Dance' on YouTube (God, you find just about everything in there!) I know I had to post it on the blog. Haha...Have a good week everyone!

La Kuracha

2006-07-26T09:35:00.000-07:00

It’s illogical to be so afraid of it. The animal is so small yet it has got to be the most annoying living creature I’ve ever encountered. Not to mention, my deathly fear of it makes me react in a manner so irrational i.e. scream every time I see it and run away. I know it would probably destroy an ecosystem, but I would be very happy if I could rid of this animal called the cockroach altogether!

I hate it! It is the animal with the strongest body odour, it’s ugly and it’s disgustingly filthy! I hate it! I hate it! And I’m so terrified of it that I think I’ll just try to go to the toilet tomorrow even when I really do feel like going now…

I HATE COCKROACHES!!

Reasons...

2006-07-21T03:44:00.000-07:00

Every time one does anything, one should always have a reason. True. But when it comes to matters of the heart i.e. liking or hating someone, should one have a reason as well? Why can't one just like or dislike another person for no particular reason? One does it often enough that one does not even bother to analyse the reason behind liking another person. It's just because...However, one also understands the need of some people who wants to know the reason or in one's word...the because of it. For the past month or so, one tries very hard so that the question would not come about for one does not have the answer to that particular question.

One does not expect anything from it. Neither does one need it. It is there, it is convenient, therefore, one uses it. It would be a waste not to. But one does not have a clear reason to why one becomes attached to it. Neither does one have any goal to turn it into anything more than it already is. It is, for the moment, perfect as one sees it. One purposely say for the moment because, like BMW 3 Series, a perfect model can improve to be more perfect. A paradox, one agrees but it suited one fine, for the moment.

One also knows that there are some people who may think that they are the reason one turns to be as one today. One suppose, the other is right. However, one has a mind of one's own and therefore knows what one wants. One has a strong enough will power to achieve what one wants. One's mother contribute that to one's own stubborness. One doesn't mind. Not in the least. One does mind however when another tries to tell one that they are the key attributes to one's own behaviour. One is one's own reason why one becomes as one is today. Certain attributes one may take from others, for there are attributes in others that one admires. But one doesn't take everything for one doesn't want to be a clone of another, would one? Hence, one suppose, is the reason why one is able to blend very quickly in so many environments.

However in answering the age old question that many does ask from one...What is it that one expect to achieve in befriending them?...one may only say one has no answer to that. Most likely, one will never have the answer to that. Aside from one likes the person and therefore one wants to be the person's friend. One will only use one's claws if that person tries to take a life, either own or otherwise. Would that be answer enough? It is, the only answer that one may provide for now. Perhaps in a day or a week or two one may have another answer to that. Meanwhile, one wishes luck to those that asked.

Sempai

2006-07-20T03:32:00.000-07:00

Life has a way of telling us where we should be headed should we but allow it to take its natural course. Of course, if you try pull too hard, it gets tense. Eventhough no one seems to like being tensed, there are more tensed people than there are relaxed people. That's what I see, anyways.

Sometimes a person younger than you can show you more of the world, should you just allow it. I'm having a time of my life learning from this particular junior. Although by right, he is younger, by seniority, he is sempai. So, the relationship is unique in a sense. However, considering the department almost never crossed path unless over some trivial matters, it is really amazing what you are able to learn by just opening your minds.

I can't wait to show the world my new project. I'm really banking on it to succeed.

On Love

2006-07-14T04:50:00.000-07:00

To have felt that you are loved; I suppose is better than to have never felt love. At the same time, one wished that that love is returned in the same manner. It is not wrong. At the same time, it is not right to coerce someone to feel the way you feel when that person does not feel the same way.

I suppose, that is why crimes of passion happen. One person loves another to death. Unfortunately, they also took it literally. Not my place to judge. I just hope there will never come a time where I will have to answer to a judge why I killed the only person that I’ve ever loved.

Interestingly, as I sit back and watch people as I often do, I see how love governs. Some would fight with everything they have for the ones they love. Some would just let go and resign to fate when it is out of their reach. Others would blame fate for not having another to warm them in the cold night. And then there are people who would rather stand in the sidelines as they watch what happens. Wishing the same things would happen to them yet not daring to venture in it.

In any way you see it, you realise that it is, indeed a powerful thing. This love. When you don’t have it, you resent it. When you have it, you take it for granted. When it is within your grasp, you wish for it. Many things that happened throughout history are because of this. It cannot be measured nor can it be touched; yet we know. It is there. The beauty of it is, the more you give out, the more you get in return.
Saying that you don’t have it, however, is like crying, ‘I thirst,’ while swimming in fresh water. Isn’t it time to count our blessings for how much love we’ve been getting in this lifetime?

Poking The Hornet's Nest

2006-07-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

Poke a hornet's nest, expect to be stung. Don't go off crying to mommy for searching for trouble in the first place. Understand that it doesn't hurt any less by knowing. The sting hurts just the same. And then, there's the addition of shame and the feeling of stupidity that comes along with the pain.

Funnily enough, once we're all better and healthy again, we run off to find another hornet's nest to poke. And the whole cycle of pain and shame and stupidity starts all over again.

Pretty soon, we have a whole body full of 'battle scars' and a whole baggage of shame and a full conviction that we are indeed stupid for doing something that we could very much avoid in the first place. But we do it anyways.

In so many levels we do it. The hornet's nest could change shape, change form and even with our eyes closed, we could find it just so that we could poke. Again, and again, and again. Sometimes, our eyes are wide open and our hands are outstretched and we know that we shouldn't and yet we still poke the hornet's nest. At times, the hornets themselves warned us not to poke and we still do it. Aren't we just a bunch of yaahoos?

Maybe, we poke just so that we can run to Mommy. 'Cos Mommy would always make it alright. Like searching for pain to get to comfort. Why not just search for comfort straight away? No pain. No hornets nests. Just Mommy that's been there all along.

Beauty

2006-07-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Sexy girls and handsome men. Such eye candy are a wasteful if not appreciated properly. I rank them the same as old castles, moors and beautiful sceneries. All under the category of BEAUTY. Isn't the world just filled with beautiful things? Then why do we segregate beauty? Who are we to judge what is beautiful and what is not? Judge not, ye of little faith for all God's creation are made perfect.

Congeniality

2006-07-03T03:25:00.000-07:00

The definitions of Congeniality
con·gen·ial ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kn-jnyl)
adj.

Having the same tastes, habits, or temperament; sympathetic.
Of a pleasant disposition; friendly and sociable: a congenial host.
Suited to one's needs or nature; agreeable: congenial surroundings.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Probably from con- + Latin genius, the personification of one's natural inclinations; see genius.]

A noun
1 congeniality

a congenial disposition
Category Tree:
abstraction
╚attribute
╚trait
╚nature
╚disposition; temperament
╚friendliness
╚congeniality
2 congenialness, congeniality

compatibility between persons
Category Tree:
abstraction
╚attribute
╚quality
╚characteristic
╚compatibility
╚congenialness, congeniality

I'm just tickled pink by all this!

Cold

2006-06-28T03:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight I lose my shelter
Tonight I will be left in the cold
Why did you have to do this to me?

Running Away

2006-06-27T04:52:00.000-07:00

When you feel like running away from the very thing that you crave...you get restless. Of course you do. Then again, running is not the answer because no matter where you go, it will come to haunt you. In your sleep, when you're most alone, in your head. It's everywhere.

Someone once said that pain is actually part of pleasure. I dunno. Probably a masochist for all I know. But I think it made some sense. Pain lets you know that you're still alive. It helps you know that you can still feel. Usually, getting over the pain allows you to overcome quite a lot of things.

I was told that I should be less sensitive. I am learning. Perhaps one day, I might be able to pull that trigger and not feel a single thing. Hardening one's heart is no easy feat. One day though, I will. To you, I will.

You become a mirror as a way of not showing who you are. At the same time, because you are not born a mirror, you tend to show your signature. I'm not a mirror. I mimic. Mimicking is more fun to do. That's what I think anyways.

Feel

2006-06-23T01:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's so easy to feel. Hurt, love, happy, sad. Other times, it's so difficult to imagine that we even have emotions. Still...to feel ultimately satisfied..it would be easier to just relax and let go. Of course...that's easier said than done

Fortress

2006-06-19T03:23:00.000-07:00

A personal friend and mentor remarked on fortifying oneself. I find it a very interesting notion. It is. You get up-get around-get happy-get hurt = you learn to build a fortress. So that the next time you're met with a similar situation, you'be better prepared. It's valid. That much is true.

All of us walk around with a fortress guarding us. Even children. Some people have fortress built so strong, it may appear that he/she no longer have feelings. The benefits or curse of it. The shape and persona of it differs too. Some people became cool and detached. Some, became involved and warm. But it's to keep people from getting to it. The thing that is being protected would lay hidden.

It is usually interesting to learn the reasons behind the building of these particular fortresses. Abuse. A failed relationship. Abandonment. Probably all of the above. Possibly none of the above. People who gets close to you would want to know why. People who aren't close to you couldn't care less. It's irksome that people want to try to breach your fortress but you know they do it because it's their way of showing they care about what happens to you. So, you just get irritated. Yes, I know. Tau takpe.

Over the years, I've been taught to fortify my fortress too. I don't become cool and detached. I'm just not that. A bundle of emotions. That's a more accurate description of who I am. I am warm to keep away from people breaching to my fortress. Syah thinks I'm predictably unpredictable. Dr. Bone thinks he can breach my fortress easy. Mr. Eks thinks I'm unpredictable and my fortress is unbreachable. Whatever you think of me, you're right. Hey, it's a free country. You're entitled to your own opinion.

Trying to dig into fortresses can be a hazardous occupation. Where you least expects it, it blows on your face. Then, you'd be left without a face. Or dignity to muster. The lure of digging, however, is very tempting. So, weigh it carefully.

I don't want people to dig into mine therefore I should not dig. Admitted, it's not an easy feat. Especially when you're continously curious. The cat died, last I checked. For being so curious. I don't want to live forever but I think that would be a really bad way to go. Try to imagine the headlines of your tombstone:

Herein lies Dark Chocolate who died for being too curious. May she learns her lesson in the afterlife.

That's not exactly what I want on my tombstone. Haha. A lesson well taught. A lesson that would require time to master. Possibly, for me, to not dig is to not ask so many questions in the future. After all, who knows what might blow up at one's face for just a seemingly innocent question.

Conversation

2006-06-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

Start a conversation with a statement instead of a question. Until you succeed, don't say anything.

That was the challenge last night. Cikli. I was quiet for a full 10 minutes, I think. Trust him to find new ways to torture my mind. His word...torture. My word...stimulate. I failed several times actually. Trying to start a conversation with a statement.

My argument. I can have a full conversation with just questions. Done that so many times with my girl friends. It's not that difficult. In the end, we've answered several questions with just questions. The questions are the answers.

His argument. If person A asks question 1 to person B. Person B asks question 2 based on question 1 and the whole conversation would revolve around the initial question. Then you cannot have a real conversation. You would be stuck in a circle. So, there is no point in asking the questions in the first place.

By continously asking questions, you make people think that you are stupid.

I suppose the point is valid. However, I don't really think by asking questions, you are stupid. Personally, I view it as another way of thinking.

Why do you ask questions continously?

Valid question. The best way to learn things is to ask direct to the source. And then I noticed. We ask a lot of questions. Heck, there's even a book that's titled

The Questions Are the Answers.

Interesting. By asking questions, you made sure that you don't have to take responsibility for the things you say. If the person gets offended, then your excuse would be, it was just a question. We trample on people's lives with questions. And to us, questions are harmless. It would even be more harmless when you answer with another question. The Porcupine Concept. You don't take responsibility of your questions and you don't take responsibility of your answer. My thoughts that night anyways.

It never occurred to me that I can, in fact, start a conversation with a statement. Although I do it sometimes, it is not often. Conditioning teaches me, that it is impolite to assume or to show that I have a mind in front of so many people. By asking questions, you avoid being impolite at the same time, you learn about the person you're talking to.

That's not a conversation. That's a Q & A session.

It is also the reason why people don't really like talking to investigative reporters. The reporters are not bad people. Please don't get me wrong here. Reporters asks hard hitting questions that would usually make you reveal a part of you. Sometimes, it would even mean revealing a part of you that you'd want to keep private. However, nice people that we are, we oblige and then resent the very person that asks the questions in the first place. It wasn't the person's fault for asking the questions. It wasn't your fault that you answer them even though you don't want to. However the resentment would still exist.

My challenge now would be to learn to start conversations with a statement. It would be really interesting to see how people really think. I am a lot smarter than I let on. Everyone is. All I need to do now is to start using more of my brain power than let it go to waste. At the same time, I'm also slowly changing my paradigm and getting out of my own comfort zone.

Comfort zones are dangerous. They lull you into thinking that you are safe and unfazed. At the same time, they stagnate you. You can never have progression when you are stagnating as it would cancel each other out.

Conversations with this teacher of mine is almost always stimulating. There are more. Of course. But they are not bloggable. Because until now, it's still mind boggling to me. Somethings should not be revealed after all. My thoughts anyways. Feel free to agree or disagree. Free will, after all.

Nightmare

2006-06-07T03:51:00.000-07:00

On one hand, I want to lay it all on the line. Just say it and get it done and over with. What’s the worst that could happen? I get a, ‘No.’ so it pretty much evens out on the so many nos I’ve been giving out to people. On the other hand, as long as I don’t say it, it’s not real. It’s just like a nightmare. A nightmare, I can handle. Just run to Mommy. And it’s not real…it doesn’t exist. Sure it’ll hurt but it wouldn’t hurt as much. And the psychological hurt will not be as deep. Right?

Well, that’s what cowards like me would say anyways. Really brave people? They’ll face it, lay it all on the line and then retreat to a haven where they could lick their wounds. I’m not like that. Especially of late. Call it whatever. I just don’t want to face this particular fear.

My version of dealing with this? To not deal with it. It’s intriguing. Of course it is. I wanna know. But only if it’s to my favour. Haha…how immature is that? Pretty much. Very immature. So, I dabble, I poke a little bit, sometimes I poke a little more. But in the end, ultimately, I’m too chicken to know.

But I go around as if nothing fazes me. I go around walking like I am happy. And I wasn’t acting. I am that happy. Especially when I’m working. Or driving.

Just sometimes, in a cold, dark night, I wonder what would’ve happened if Syah was still around. If he was still alive. I’d probably be married now. Maybe with a daughter or son. We were planning to get married that fateful November the same year he died. I still can’t believe he picked such a timely exit. A day before the New Year. Maybe we’d fight all the time like we always do. All the maybes. Life couldn’t be perfect but it would’ve been enough.

But he’s not here. He left. So far gone that I can’t even see him or talk to him or hear his voice ever again. I can’t even go to his house anymore and read his books. His room belongs to his sister now. And I’m left to pick up the pieces. Love is. Which is why I’m afraid to love again. The only man I’ve ever loved wholeheartedly left, never to return. The man that entered my heart next, ripped it to shreds. Way to go, Mr. Eks. *sarcasm*

And people wonder why I refuse to let another person near my heart. But I do feel it. Love, I mean. I do fall in love. I’m just more careful now. No one may enter anymore for now. Giving love, I have no problems with. Receiving love? I have a lot of problems with. I haven’t given up totally. If I ever marry (and I think at the moment is a very big IF) I want it to be based on that. But I doubt it. Every single person I know wants the best quality heart. The kind that’s smooth and perfect. Mine’s been broken, trampled upon, shred and dying. A little bit more each day. And I know that it happens because I let it. I made it this way.

Still, it’s not like I’m a lost cause. I’ve stopped being suicidal. I still have my family and friends that covers my back every now and again. I have them. More of the time, it’s more than enough. When it’s not enough, I still have my work. I can always bury myself in it. Good thing my work is fun. In case that doesn’t work, I still have Flightning. Going around in that car is waaaaaay better than shopping. See? I have back-up plans for my back up plans.
No, I’m not naturally melancholy. I’m actually quite cheerful. My humour ranges from slapstick to dry. But just for this evening…just because I’m reminded of the number one fear of mine, I am despondent. I’ll be fine again, come morning. I always do. I cannot be sad for long. Even I can’t stand me when I’m depressed *haha*

Tak Nak

2006-06-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

Late nights are usually the time when the questions start coming. Sometimes, the questions can be a total crap. Sometimes its deep but it keeps coming.

Last night, I had a nightmare. It was awful because I woke up sweating and shaking and crying. But for the life of me, I can’t remember what it is about anymore. Which is just as well. The last time I had such a nightmare, someone died. Fortunately, sleeping with a cat lets you know that you’re not that lonely in the small square that is my room. My parents are not home. I can’t run to them. (I still do…to mommy) But I was scared. My brothers were not home yet.

So I called him. The one person that I know that doesn’t sleep and sane enough to give me either an advice, or a thrashing that I may deserve. During the witching hour. We talked. Until I got sleepy again and able to sleep.

One of the arising matters was being obliging. We are after all a society that obliges. To just about anything from what I gathered. Which is OK I suppose but what happens when you encroach on another person’s personal space? Personally, I am sure that I’ve trampled on people’s personal lives many times over. That is a definite. However, would it be my fault if I trampled without even knowing that I am trampling. Talk about being blur, right? And many of us are. Until someone says, ‘No’. The Tak Nak campaign, as far as I gathered doesn’t work simply because we are not a society that was taught to say Tak Nak. How can we do something when we don’t know how to do it?

Learning to say no. Can we really do it? Some parts of the country, yes. I lived in a community that’s really outspoken and able to say no when they need to. At the same time, I also notice that it’s not easy. We grew up learning to be nice. Saying tak nak is not exactly nice, is it? But what happens when you’re the one suffering?

Me personally? I need to work on saying tak nak. I’m getting better at it although I wouldn’t say that I’m all that good at it, yet. To whom have I said tak nak to? For me to know and for you to never find out.

My current issue however, is not saying tak nak. It’s trying to tell someone that I… nak…hahaha. You know the saying once bitten, twice shy? Oh well…Life goes on, I suppose.

Women

2006-06-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of women may find this rather insulting but admittedly, it has its truth...So, enjoy :) Just don't kill me after

Psychobable

2006-06-01T22:51:00.000-07:00

When you're backed against a wall, what do you do? Fight or flight..the only two things that you're able to do. If you're really close to the wall, all claws comes out because you can only fight. But do you really have to?

Use your imagination here. If you land yourself into a tub full of your favourite drink (tequila, coke, orange juice, the list goes on) what do you do first? The tub is so big that you have to swim to get to the other side and you can't feel the bottom. Swim for your life? Or drink your drink?

Is it true that being thankful is just a defense mechanism? You are thankful (or bersyukur) and at the same time you want more and because of that, you're not really thankful. Kindda makes sense but at the same time, I disagree. But what is the actual concept?

If you're the kind of person that doesn't really care about what people think of you, how is it possible that you believe if they were to say a negative thing about you and disregard the positive? Because that would mean you actually care, right? If this is true, then is it fair to say that everyone actually cares about some of the things that some people say to them?

What do you do when you found someone that you might actually want to grow old with and at the same time you don't think you deserve to have the kind of happiness that you dream of having? Or...you don't think (pick sexual prefference here) will ever feel the same way about you for the simple reason that you put this person up upon a pedestal. Go away? Or try your luck anyways?

When you refuse to let love in, then is it fair to blame life on your lack of love? Or loving action?

When you have to be stupid for a guy just to keep him, then is it fair to be unhappy about the relationship simply because he doesn't think you're smart enough?

How in the world did misyar marriage managed to worm its way here and if it is approved, how do we make sure that the marriage will not be lop-sided? Is it really another excuse for people to start being lazier?

If we think we're good and pure, then is it fair to pass judgement on other people simply because they don't behave the same way we do? And would it be 'good' of us to say that so and so person is good or bad influence when we don't even want to understand how and why they do things the way they do? And predicting where they go in the after life is like playing God...since when are we allowed to play God to begin with?

Now that these questions are finally out here, I can safely say it should not come back and bite me when I least expect it :)

Have a nice day!

Space Aliens

2006-05-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

I found this sitting in my mail this morning. I wonder...just where do about half the people I meet are really from :)

The Idiot Box? Really?

2006-05-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

So, I was babysitting last night (baby sis was having fever) and I just realized one thing. I know just about EVERY SINGLE programme in Disney Channel. Which is to say that the dominating channel in the house is Disney Channel!

Considering Fia is the only minor left in the family (everyone else is over 18) she’s the Queen Bee. OMG! I just can’t believe it. But she gives in too…I mean, she doesn’t hog the TV so much. So, like, take for instance…re-cap of what everyone watches on a regular basis:

1. Daddy: Daddy doesn’t watch much TV. But when he does, it’s usually AXN. That or Vannavil. I think he does that just to get rid of us. Which usually works anyways.
2. Mommy: Mommy’s a Hallmark Channel fan. Anything Hallmark Channel shows, she watches. Although she also watches CSI, and the movie channels (HBO, Star Movies, Cinemax) but only if its romance. She doesn’t do action.
3. Shaimaa’: Shaimaa’ usually watches the movies channels and Star World. Although, most of the time, she just watches whatever everybody else watches.
4. Umair: Of all of us, this one is into sports. Seriously. So, if he’s home and daddy’s not…he vetoes the TV. Which usually meant, football, F1, or anything that’s on the sports channel…unless of course if it’s golf. Then, he’d flip the channel to the music channels to get a few dosages of superstar girls.
5. Anas: This one’s into the Learning Channels. You know…Discovery, Animal Planet, National Geographic, Travel & Living, TVIQ…all that. Sometimes, he watches the music channels too to get ideas for his art.
6. Finally, there’s me: If I’m home, I’m a couch potato. No kidding. Which is why I don’t like going home so much. I watch just about everything but the sports channel. Even then, if it were the World Cup or the basketball season, I’d watch it. If there’s nothing worth watching on TV, I’d turn to my DVDs. Which is not really good considering I’m supposed to put my good time to well…good.

Funny how the idiot box does govern our lives to an extent. Funny also that people call it the idiot box. It’s not really an idiot considering it doesn’t have a mind of its own to decide what to show. I think it’s only idiotic if the person watching it flips to idiotic programmes. Like, the male version of soap operas. But, that’s just one person’s opinion anyways.

I wonder sometimes…if the person who invented TV were to see so many people using his inventions, continuously perfecting his invention or even commenting on it, what might he say? Would he be delighted seeing so many people using it? Would he be disgusted knowing that people waste away their lives in front of his invention? Would he be offended that people refer to his invention as an idiot box? Or would he be amused that there are religious bodies out there that calls it the devil’s invention?

He’s well…dead now and I’m pretty sure I don’t know how to resurrect him. I don’t have that kind of powers but if I could talk to him, I would ask him that question. It’ll be interesting to find out what he thinks about his own invention and why he built it in the first place. I’m sure there’re explanations in books and even Wikipedia (just Google) but I would want to hear it from his mouth.

Aside from Mr. Baird…I think I’d want to know why Cleo did what she did a long time ago. Hey…she’s one of the first big scandal gossips in the world history. And unlike other scandal gossips we hear today, she managed to get every single people who went to school to know about her scandals. I think what I’d want to know is how did she do it? Get her into history books, I mean. Where is her body today? People keep talking about Tut’s body and studying Tut’s body…but no one really paid attention to Cleo’s. Just her scandals…so, basically, she’s like Marilyn Monroe. While they lived, people talk about them. After they died, people talk about them. They both landed themselves in history books. But no one ransacked their final resting places. Which is really cool.

Wouldn’t you say?

Clay Aiken Performed

2006-05-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

So, while working the other day, I saw Cher writing the results of American Idol. Go figure, Cher...just cos you're in the US and I'm here meant you can spill the beans to let me know Taylor won! Go figure!

But what's more exciting was her following comment. Clay Aiken performed!!! I am such a huge fan of Clay Aiken so I really can't wait to go home to watch the show. I wasn't sorry at all. And I bet Michael had a time of his life. I mean, singing next to his Idol? Although he did look like he was about to have a heart attack when Clay walked in. I guess, impersonation, if you do it really well, gets you places. Look at William Hung :)

Anyways, here's the video just in case you missed it. Clay looked so hot that night...I'm still swooning :)

Procrastinate

2006-05-26T02:30:00.000-07:00

The more I pull away, the more I want it. The more I hesistate, the more I'm convinced. Yet, no action is done. Isn't that the life of a procrastinator?

Laughter

2006-05-25T04:55:00.000-07:00

Laughter. The best medicine. I suppose its true. Of course, sometimes I do feel like a clown, trying to make people laugh, cajoling them out of their bad day. I like being funny because being funny meant that people would laugh. Even if it’s over an absolute silly things that you don’t find the least bit amusing.
The best part about laughter is that, like people, there come in many forms. Babies laugh the best, in my opinion. It’s as if they have faced no sadness and hence when they laugh, it’s real. Mothers, when they see how beautiful their children are, even when you’d disagree…theirs are sweet.
I love making people laugh but I don’t think I’m funny exactly. I think it’s the exuberant of me is what they caught. It makes me happy making them happy. Truly, it does. It’s like the perfect end to a bad day when people you care most is laughing with you. Takes away a lot of pressure off your shoulder. So, I will continue making people laugh, even if it’s at the expense of losing my voice.

Things

2006-05-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, I suppose. Been very occupied with things. Not work, necessarily. Just things.

For one, I've been approached by someone over something very, very exciting. Not that I plan to be tight lipped about this but until the thing is in my hands, I can scarcely believe it myself!

For another, work is good. It's fun. In my line of work, it's hard not to have fun. But then again, if you hate it, you hate it, right? Right now, I'm learning to do road shows. I haven't done one before and last Sunday I was at one. Didn't do anything much but observe though. My teacher said that the first few times I'm supposed to watch and learn. When I'm more ready, he'll let me try some things. So, that's what I'm doing. Sitting, watching and learning. Not necessarily in that order though.

Love life? Hmm...that's a bit complicated. I still have none although it's hard to say I don't have any feelings for anyone. I crush on 3 different guys every week. Crushing on guys are easy. Deciding to make my move? Not so easy. So, it becomes a sitting duck and by the following week, I'll be crushing on a different guy. Isn't this just fun! One day, maybe I'll fall in love for real. Maybe...

Places I've visited over the past month...OK..how about just this month? I've been to 3 different places (Time Square, Hulu Langat & Petaling Street. Sounds like the same old places but when you're in class, you get history lessons too!) , all equally magical, all introduced to me by teacher. It was fun. A lot of learning. Kindda like attending class but it's outside. He's a really good teacher but he says he prefers to let us learn on our own. I think I like that best. If I'm spoon fed all the time, I'll never stand on my own, right? Still, I wouldn't say I don't need any guidance. That's what teacher is for. Right?

Wikipedia

2006-05-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

It's really interesting the things you find on Wikipedia. I love it... think I found Simon Cowell in it somewhere back. Check it yourself http://www.wikipedia.com

Thomas Malthus and the Scarcity Theory

2006-05-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

Thomas Malthus. The father of economics came up with this theory and I quote, ‘Population, when unchecked, increases at a geometrical ratio. Subsistence increases only in an arithmetical ratio’. Interesting, isn’t it? There are over 6 billion people living on this earth today, some more so than others. This theory was first in his Essay on Population 1798. Go check it up if you don’t believe me. Basically, what he’s saying is that, should we not have some kind of birth control, we’d all starve to death before long. When he said we, he meant the whole world.

1798. During the Victorian era. The beginning of colonisation. How are they related? I suppose, some people from some part of that world panicked because he knew that curbing the increment in population is close to impossible. You can’t really control sexual urges and if God wants you to have kids, then you’ll have kids and of course there are no contraceptives to help curb this matter. At the same time, no one wants to be hungry. Or worse. Starve to death. At that time.

Charles Darwin. Sometime later came up with the theory of Survival of the Fittest. This one’s famous, isn’t it? Everyone had heard about it at some point or the other. Only the fit are allowed to survive. The question that is left now is, ‘who are the fittest and who should be allowed to survive?’ Naturally, if you came up with the theory, then your people must likely have a genius blood running. We wouldn’t want to repeat the same mistakes by killing geniuses again like the Greeks killed Socrates, would we? So, since it’s the west that came up with this theory, they are therefore fit to live. Everyone else? Well…a short time later, Asia was taken and their resources were shipped directly to England, France, Holland and wherever else these people came from. African tribes were hunted and sold to slavery. It is regardless that these people were rulers of their tribe. The west deserved to live more than everybody else.

Funnily enough, although Mr. Malthus was right on the theory, he was dead WRONG. He left out a very important factor. Technology. Technology that helps increases food production exponentionally and hence surpasses population growth. Oops! The truth is, we have more food than we can ever eat. The problem? Distribution. Karl Marx was not so far off when he said that everything should be divided equally. See, whilst some 3^rd world countries are dying of hunger, America’s problem was dealing with obesity. But why can’t these people share?

OK, here’s the thing…if you were brought up generation after generation to think that only you deserve to be treated well, how would you behave?

This was a story that I found in Bits and Pieces a long time ago…

A family in Spain had to fled to another country because of war. They decided to board a ship in hopes that they might find the Promised Land to start anew. Having paid the travelling fare, the family of six huddled together and stayed very still for they’ve never been on a ship before. They had brought provisions to help sustain them throughout the journey.

Sadly, the food finished by the end of the 7^th day and they are still at sea. On the 8^th day, they were hungry. On the 9^th day, the husband finally said, “Maybe if I talk to the captain nicely, he might give me a job to do and help feed the family.” And off he went. He explained to the captain about his family’s situation and his hungry children.

“If you would help feed my family, sir,” he said, “I promise I’ll work hard and will never complain.”

“But my good man,” said the captain, “When you paid for your fare, provision is included in that fare.”

Would God be so cruel to put so many people on earth and not include provisions for every one of His child? Think about it…

Mirrors

2006-05-10T04:21:00.000-07:00

Mirrors are there to reflect you. Human mirrors are there to reflect your behaviour. I had one standing in front of me last night. It wasn't very pleasant. Especially when I did what I did unintentionally. Next time, I'll be careful. But I think, if there are more human mirrors walking around, people would begin to think before they do anything unpleasant to others. Wouldn't it?